Today, many days, this is how I feel. Are you ever so tired, so weak that your heart, so full of the sorrows of this world, literally feels heavy? Or that it will simply burst with the very next beat?
Love, you are not alone. Our precious Jesus felt this way too. He knows what it feels like to be sorrowful to the point of death. He said so himself.
I believe we have all felt this way to some degree. Most days I am full of the joy of the Lord. Even in the midst of stressful times, uncertainty, and pain, I feel His sweet joy in my soul. It is like fuel for my life. Even so, there are things that will overwhelm me, despite His joy.
There are days when seeing one more victim…..oh, how that word makes me truly understand the phrase ‘gnashing of teeth!!’ Victim. The very sound is like a snarl in my soul.
When I work with one more survivor struggling to get her footing. When I post one more alert that a small boy is missing. When they have found one more girl, used up and tossed away like yesterday’s newspaper. My heart, it is overwhelmed, torn a bit more, aching for the lost.
There are questions. Questions I refuse to ask, because I honestly don’t believe I deserve to know. I trust my God, even when I don’t understand why I am free, yet they are not. Some would try to label it survivor’s guilt. But, I think not. I think it is a survivor’s love, longing to share what I have been given, what I have found. I think it is a survivor holding out an overflowing cup, saying, “Come, find refreshing here, please fill your cup from mine as it runs over.” A friend calling out, “Please come with me. You don’t have to stay where you are. You were created for so much more. You are worthy and loved. Come. Come. Come, meet my Savior.”
Walking with Him is not always roses and sunshine. Many times it is rainforest overrun with dense underbrush, and you go forth each day whacking at it with your machete, believing with each step you will finally stumble into a green, lush clearing awash in the sun’s rays. Even in that forest, He walks with me, holding back the branches, keeping them from swatting me in the face. He points out thorns along the path, and warns of poisonous snakes relaxing in the trees. TOGETHER, we are always together. He never leaves me alone and He understands when I feel overwhelmed with sorrow, or that I can never do enough.
In those times He gently reminds me who I am, and that He has got this. I just need to keep putting that one foot in front of the other. Thank you Lord that you ‘bind up the brokenhearted.’ Thank you that you lead me beside still waters, and you ALWAYS, always restore my soul. Thank you for your amazing, gracious love, and for my precious freedom.